HOW TO ATTEND YOUR WEDDING ALONE


You’re getting married. Unfortunately your preferred wife didn’t win your parents’ approval. Your parents elected someone else who happens to be not of your liking.

Still you want to get married. Your parents assure you of your inheritance should you marry the partner of their choice. You’re worried about offending the feelings of your preferred wife, however.

Your genius strikes you — why not attend your wedding alone. Attending your wedding together is a worn tradition anyway. How do you pull this off?

Tell your parents that you want to have a simple wedding with only 150 guests gathered in a small government office. If your parents ask why you held your bachelor’s party in an open field, tell them that’s different — this wedding is non-traditional, fit for a maverick. Add more benefits by telling them that you also don’t want to burden people with a monstrous traffic. Change the topic by entertaining them with conversations on how sensitive your skin is to pineapple fiber.

Communicate to your preferred partner that you love her deeply without revealing your true feelings to your parents. Whisper to her that aside from attending your wedding alone, you are in fact choosing the small government office for sentimental reasons (that is where her parents also got married, remember?).

Most important of all, reiterate to your presumptive wife-elect the benefits of a non-traditional wedding, that this wedding will save all parents-in-law money, that this wedding will spare the community from motoring inconvenience. Use a cordial tone and language as you explain that the underlying benefit is that you don’t have to be hypocritical to each other. Convince her that doing it this way will allow both of you to invite all the guests they have to thank — for electing them to wed.

THE PRESIDENT’S FAVORITE CRIMINAL


 Comparing verb phrases — “Shoot to kill” and “Negotiate with” — used by President-elect Rodrigo Duterte to address two different variety of criminals — drug-lords and terrorists —- correspondingly, I infer that the president plays favorites on criminality: war on drugs but peace on terror.

Comparing television images — “Duterte comforting freed Abu Sayyaf hostage” and “policemen arresting drug criminals” — I also infer that popular media organizations in the country support the president’s favorite criminal.